MIND
ABUSE / DISCRIMINATION / PREJUDICE / EXPLOITATION
Old symptoms such as thinking too much about my children and _____ again.
The difference seems to be accepting what really transpired with them.
(03. Day 2)
I keep thinking about how I must change my perspective to attract a loving
family. I fear I don't have the DNA to make that happen. That all the
abuse has beaten down that gene that attracts like to like, instead of
attracting abusers to me and my life. (03. Day 2)
My neck aches like crazy. I haven't had this situation for many months
as chiropractor relieved that blockage supposedly. As I ask myself why
the neck aches I get a picture of the mom who raised me shaking me hard
when I was a newborn. I have never had this thought before except to wonder
if she had abused me physically. (03. Day 2)
At early dinner with _____ last night, I listened for a long time about
his problems with jealous, controlling hubby and wife team he hired for
his documentary. He gave involved explanation of why he hasn't fired them.
So much like me – being way too patient with folk who abuse him.
(03. Day 2)
This remedy could work on the abusive nature in humans. It could change
the way we treat ourselves, our lives, others and the planet. (03. Day
2)
I do seem to be relating to old stuff in a different way. How? Well, realizing
it is old stuff and thinking about how I need to move on from it all.
And realizing my way of holding on to stuff until I felt more healed may
have stymied my healing process and maybe not. (03. Day 15)
Feeling like an outsider – not amongst the normal range of everyday
delusions. Well outside, even by my standards. Slight paranoia –
people in shops, etc, seem unfriendly and react instantly and badly to
me for no apparent reason. With a shock realise this is what racial discrimination
feels like, and most likely on a good day at that. (01. Day 2)
Journey to England via London. Delays because of late planes and signalling
failures outside Waterloo. Tube network closed because of terrorist alerts.
Police at airport with machine guns. Again, instant unpleasant reactions
from people I had to deal with like ticket office staff. Huge police operation
in London. Totally over the top tactics – use of guns, tear gas,
etc. They shot a man dead on Stockwell tube station. Can't help but think
they've got the wrong man. This is going to justify them just shooting
anyone they're suspicious about. Dreadful feelings about what's going
on in this country. The stories don't match up with the reality. Can't
people see that? It's so clear, so obvious. (01. Day 3 – July 21)
Went out to my father's usual restaurant.
We were given the same table at which, about 20 years previously, my sister-in-law
had let fly at me because I'd said an ex-boyfriend of mine was a back-door
man. (The reason she let fly was that he'd called at her back-door, though
I'd forgotten that and hadn't been thinking of her when I said it, and
she didn't know I knew.) Ominous feeling about sitting at this table.
When we got home, my brother phoned out of the blue and was quite unusually
judgemental, interpreting everything I said as deliberate contrariness.
Marvelling at his closed-minded prejudice but also hurt. Felt very unjustly
discriminated against, like a shadow of how I'd felt 20-odd years before.
(01. Day 16) See dream
Went to movie with friend. Movie about Africa fishing town and how villagers
don't make profit but white men in planes from Russia buy fish for pennies
and sell it for mucho dinero. Not fair. (03. Day 5)
Reading about agribusiness's treatment of farmers in Africa brought up
enormous waves of anger, passion, sympathy. I want to go out there NOW
and help. It's so unfair! (01. Day 19)
There is much to say about Hurricane Katrina disaster. Much. It hurts
me because it reminds me of how fortunate I was to be living in VT where
being a person of color has less of a sleaze factor than being here or
in New Orleans. New York is a very racist city these days. The racism
is so smooth it is almost invisible. Eerie. (03. Day 27)
Several encounters with men trying to abuse me ... a coworker who has
alcohol abuse issues and has been diagnosed with antisocial behavior issues
and is in group therapy. We usually get along because I back down but
this time I bellowed at him in such a shocking manner that he, all of
six feet four, backed against the wall [...] I blew my voice so loud and
deep and strong it was very well, I learn something about my power that
I never knew ... I learned the impact on others when I am impassioned
by anger at an injustice or a perceived injustice. (03. Day 29)
Eldest daughter's father phoned and screamed abuse at me. I seem to have
mutated from the mother-that-could-do-no-wrong into the worst-mother-in-the-universe.
Shaken, but far less so than I've been in the past. It's so obvious it's
his stuff. Livid at the caricatured and two-dimensional way he portrayed
daughter's behaviour. He wasn't even interested in her side of the story,
or mine. Put the phone down on him. We don't have to put up with this.
(01. Day 33) [This repeated for the following 3 months every full moon.]
No longer content to let daughter fight her own battles at school. It's
not fair that she's been branded a trouble-maker and dismissed when her
points are perfectly valid and deserve consideration. She needs an advocate.
Arrange meeting with the school. (01. Day xx)
Furious and grief-striken about the abuse meted out to peoples conquered
and colonised by the British. If I identified myself in having a white
and British skin the shame would be unbearable. Feels like if my heart
swells any bigger it will burst. Furious too about the abuse suffered
by ordinary people, by children, from those in positions of authority.
An overwhelming sympathy for Joe Village (ie.
the common man). Incredulity that anyone could become so stuffed with
hubris as to imagine they're better than anyone else. Then look around
me and feel very out of step with the rest of the western world. It's
hopeless. There's just so much of it out there. (01. Day xx)
The deference I had for people in positions of authority has evaporated.
Completely. Just gone. We're all equal in the eyes of the universe. Relating
more to people on that level – feels so much more clear and authentic.
(01. Day xx)
OUTDOORS / SUNSHINE / NATURE / HEALTH
Needing fresh air at night, must have the windows open. (01)
I am at the [library] now but brought wrong plug-in adapter so it is
clear I am not supposed to transcribe here today. I could leave now and
go to work where I have an adapter, but where it is dark and windowless.
Or I could stay here by the huge sunny windows in a very clean academic
environment that I love. I am needing to be in a very lighted area today
for at least wee while. (03. Day 2)
Later on weather turns beautiful and spend the day on the beach. Want
sun, sun, sun. Just to soak it up. Want to be tanned and physically fit.
Very unusual. (01. Day 10)
Focusing on write-up of lecture I attended on organic farming before
going on holiday. It seems so clear we have to pay attention to the soil.
No amount of superficial top-dressing can remedy a soil that's lost its
integrity. Get the soil right and everything else will follow. (01. Day
20)
I have an extremely uncharacteristic desire to get exercising, out in
the sunshine, swimming, eating optimally, detoxing and looking after this
body better. Normally it takes care of itself very well and I don't pay
it an awful lot of heed, but this seems to fit with all the rest of the
stuff about looking after the soil. (01. Day 22)
Spending every opportunity I can these last few days outside in the sun.
It's like all my cells are craving exposure to sunlight. Also my
skin is tanning much more readily than it has in recent years. (01. Days
32-38)
Floods in Mumbai kill 500 – greatest monsoon floods in 100 years.
A tornado rips through Birmingham destroying many homes. The IRA announce
the conflict is over. Feeling generally cynical and quite hopeless. Cross
about it too. The world is in such a dreadful state. It's overwhelming;
just too much to overturn. (01. Day 10)
Easy journey home. Looking out of the train windows at the passing scenery
of the southeast. Every sight of nature barely clinging on to wasteland
in the shape of a few scattered primary colonisers makes me feel sad,
angry, full of hate for humankind. Every sight of an expanse of water
helps me breathe freely again. (01. Day 17)
The sight of anything that speaks of man's degradation of the environment
makes me feel deeply unpleasant, almost physically sick, while anything
natural is comfortable, comforting, or evokes enormous waves of sympathy
and emotion. (01. Day 19)
I am VERY missing Vermont today. Just an ache like I have not had for
years. I want to smell my homeland. I want to see the Vermont green trees
and vistas. I miss farmland and the lifestyle something fierce today.
(03. Day 25)
PSYCHIC / CLARITY OF PERCEPTION
From Alastair McIntosh's experience in the sweatlodge with the
summit rock:
I found myself entering a very clear and deep state of consciousness where
it felt like I was able to enter and see right into the psyche of those
I was holding in my mind at the time. I was able to see more clearly who
they were, what my relationship is to them, and what their needs are.
It gave me a deepened perspective on "prayer".
First dose [...] There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from
on high. (01. Day 1)
Journey to England via London. Delays because of late planes and signalling
failures outside Waterloo. Tube network closed because of terrorist alerts.
Police at airport with machine guns. Again, instant unpleasant reactions
from people I had to deal with like ticket office staff. Huge police operation
in London. Totally over the top tactics – use of guns, tear gas,
etc. They shot a man dead on Stockwell tube station. Can't help but think
they've got the wrong man. This is going to justify them just shooting
anyone they're suspicious about. Dreadful feelings about what's going
on in this country. The stories don't match up with the reality. Can't
people see that? It's so clear, so obvious. (01. Day 3 – July 21)
Discussion with Aunt about the week's events in London. Everything seems
so clear – the panic and confusion of the authorities under pressure
to 'do something' dramatic and demonstrative about the terrorist threat,
the spin and deception in the stories so as to appear 'in control'. The
ease with which events constellate into the most superficial and inconsistent
of interpretations. (01. Day 5)
Went out to my father's usual restaurant. We were given the same table
at which, about 20 years previously, my sister-in-law had let fly at me because
I'd said an ex-boyfriend of mine was a back-door man. (The reason she let fly
was that he'd called at her back-door, though I'd forgotten that and hadn't been
thinking of her when I said it, and she didn't know I knew.) Ominous feeling
about sitting at this table. When we got home, my brother phoned out of the blue
and was quite unusually judgemental, interpreting everything I said as deliberate
contrariness. Marvelling at his closed-minded prejudice but also hurt. Felt very
unjustly discriminated against, like a shadow of how I'd felt 20-odd years before.
(01. Day 16) See dream
Life is pretty uneventful at the moment. There seems to be a real exaggerated
ebb and flow to this essence, or perhaps it's more like surfing the waves
and then sliding back down into the troughs. When I'm surfing I can see
the interconnectedness of the entire universe. When I'm in the troughs
it's like I've dropped all the pieces of my life and can't get them together
again. (01. Day 36)
The deference I had for people in positions of authority has evaporated.
Completely. Just gone. We're all equal in the eyes of the universe. Relating
more to people on that level – feels so much more clear and authentic.
(01. Day xx)
From someone prescribed the essence while the proving was still
going on:
I felt as if i could see past things after taking the remedy
ie. look at things from a higher place rather than be bogged down and
oppressed [...] My energy is lifting and I feel much more positive and
back in the world.
BODY PERCEPTIONS
Immediately [on taking essence] body went into a very strong pose –
(I was lying in bed) stretched straight out, almost rigid, upper arms
close to body, with shoulders back, and lower arms up close to upper arms.
(Felt like they were wings). My spine was very elongated and stretched,
and head bowed down. Thought – "the wings are missing".
[As if the lower arms represented the severed stumps of wings.] (05. Day
1)
[On hearing about this symptom, I immediately recalled the satyrical movie
Dogma which I'd been given to watch during the proving. This
is the story of 2 rebel angels who have been consigned to immortality
on Earth and who can only become mortal if their wings are severed.]
Seem to be piling on the fat, despite the fact that I didn't seem to
weigh as much as I thought I did at the start of the holiday. (01. Day
19)
Throughout the proving, my perception of my body weight has varied enormously.
Almost like I can't get a proper fix on it. One minute I think I
look way fatter than normal. The next I think I look fine. I don't
think my weight has actually fluctuated that much, though I don't
possess any scales to measure it. (01)
CONFLICT / OPPOSING POLARITIES
Several encounters with men trying to abuse me ... a coworker who has
alcohol abuse issues and has been diagnosed with antisocial behavior issues
and is in group therapy. We usually get along because I back down but
this time I bellowed at him in such a shocking manner that he, all of
six feet four, backed against the wall [...] I blew my voice so loud and
deep and strong it was very well, I learn something about my power that
I never knew ... I learned the impact on others when I am impassioned
by anger at an injustice or a perceived injustice. (03. Day 29)
Progressively increasing desire to be healthy. Take the kids swimming
again, resolving to swim regularly once we get home. Yet also enjoying
all the alcohol and rich food on holiday. Feeling the polarity –
very pulled in both directions. (01. Day 12)
Enormous internal conflict viewing the lives of others. The strong desire
to have a comfortable materialistic life of ease versus a more ecologically
sound and wholesome way of life. (01. Day 15)
My dreams since taking the essence have been very traumatic. War zones,
danger, threat, conflict, military, police. No storylines, just endless
successions of brief snatches of situations that seems to depict man at
odds with himself or nature. I don't seem to have a role ... mostly I'm
just caught up in the situations by being in that place at that time.
(01. Day 19)
It's almost as if the entirety of the dilemma of human progress vs global
ecological sustainability were slugging it out in my head. I don't think
I have ever felt so conflicted, so pulled in opposing directions simultaneously.
(01. Day 20)
Have become progressively almost obsessed with ex-partner's progress.
I really want to see him screw up again in all the ways he did when we
were together. This hasn't been a feature before – I've just been
happy and relieved to have left that all behind. Don't like it at all
– it's almost downright malicious – but can't seem to stop
it. Two hints this week that my suspicions are valid. Am all but cackling
and jigging for joy while another part of me is appalled and furious that
I should feel that way. (01. Day 28) [This disappeared after the proving
finished.]
Life is pretty uneventful at the moment. There seems to be a real exaggerated
ebb and flow to this essence, or perhaps it's more like surfing the waves
and then sliding back down into the troughs. When I'm surfing I can see
the interconnectedness of the entire universe. When I'm in the troughs
it's like I've dropped all the pieces of my life and can't get them together
again. (01. Day 36)
Lying awake contemplating these dream images saw a very clear and distinct
yin-yang symbol revolving clockwise, just going round and round and round
and round. It's about holding both polarities while they revolve and not
being caught by either. (01. Day 38)
DUTY / WILL
I'm focusing too much on what I want to do instead of doing what I should
do. (02. Day 12)
A lot of difficulty in pushing myself to do the things that are more
a matter of duty than where the passion lies. Most noticeable where others
are concerned. Unusual. Normally scrupulously conscientious about these
things, particularly where others are concerned. Now I say I'll do something
for someone and it doesn't even stick in my head 5 minutes. (01. Day 21)
AGGRESSION
Increased aggressiveness, when asked unnecessary things. (02. Day 3)
In the afternoon bout of anger ... volcano-like. I get very loud.
(02. Day 9)
I was even more obstinate, decisive in many views, even more prone to
defend my position in a very domineering way. And sometimes feeling even
more helpless. No new symptoms, but exaggerating existing signs. (02)
Karma Police by Radiohead takes on a sudden magnetic attraction.
Even download the words. Particularly attracted by the line “this
is what you get when you mess with us”. Can feel a feistier me emerging
and I like it! (01. Day 2)
Several encounters with men trying to abuse me ... a coworker who has
alcohol abuse issues and has been diagnosed with antisocial behavior issues
and is in group therapy. We usually get along because I back down but
this time I bellowed at him in such a shocking manner that he, all of
six feet four, backed against the wall [...] I blew my voice so loud and
deep and strong it was very well, I learn something about my power that
I never knew ... I learned the impact on others when I am impassioned
by anger at an injustice or a perceived injustice. (03. Day 29)
DEPRESSION / HELPLESSNESS / HOPELESSNESS
Essence arrived today at three thirty. Took first dosage at that time.
Felt slight nausea. Felt deep seated family-related depression. (03. Day
1)
Morning, 6.45am, a feeling of helplessness. (02. Day 8)
Floods in Mumbai kill 500 – greatest monsoon floods in 100 years.
A tornado rips through Birmingham destroying many homes. The IRA announce
the conflict is over. Feeling generally cynical and quite hopeless. Cross
about it too. The world is in such a dreadful state. It's overwhelming;
just too much to overturn. (01. Day 10)
Furious and grief-striken about the abuse meted out to peoples conquered
and colonised by the British. If I identified myself in having a white
and British skin the shame would be unbearable. Feels like if my heart
swells any bigger it will burst. Furious too about the abuse suffered
by ordinary people, by children, from those in positions of authority.
An overwhelming sympathy for Joe Village (ie.
the common man). Incredulity that anyone could become so stuffed with
hubris as to imagine they're better than anyone else. Then look around
me and feel very out of step with the rest of the western world. It's
hopeless. There's just so much of it out there. (01. Day xx)
DYSLEXIA / INCOORDINATION
First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness. Confusion in brain.
Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of sagittal suture. Eyes
not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating to open Word to make
these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment is taking
place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high.
Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards
through body, rapidly. (01. Day 1) See note
More prone to typos, mistakes in writing. (02. Day 8)
Dyslexia back with a vengeance – transposing letters, missing them
out etc. (05. Day 3)
Making many more mistakes than normal in typing – constantly transposing
letters. Also having to look up the spelling of words which I never normally
need to do. (01. Day 2) [This continued throughout proving]
Continually tripping over words, making spoonerisms or just substituting
initial consonants for incorrect ones. The children are forever picking
me up on it. Sound as if I'm drunk sometimes. (01)
Visited colleagues for study group. Talked about story of the proving
without going into specific symptoms. One immediately picked up on verbal
confusion and started tripping over her words. She fell into sudden exhaustion,
while another, who'd been feeling tired, perked up. Later the trend reversed
for both. (01. Day xx)
The tripping over words has progressed. Now, as well as all the other
things, I'm putting whole words in the wrong order, as in "the freezing
wheel is steering" instead of "the steering wheel is freezing".
(01. Day xx)
DISTRACTION / FORGETFULNESS / FRAGMENTATION
Had to remind self to take the essence. (05. Day 2)
Very unusual: in the evening I can't remember if I took the essence at
noon or not. In the afternoon I didn't know where I had left the telephone
– had to search the house for it. Very unusual. Not like me, such
a weakness of memory. (02. Day 5)
I am at the [library] now but brought wrong plug-in adapter so it is clear
I am not supposed to transcribe here today. (03. Day 2)
I felt badly about my account because it did not seem substantive enough.
I realize now my number of projects were intensified during that fifteen
day span [...] I mean I was a whirlwind of beading/sewing/cleaning/going
about town activities during those fifteen days. I barely had time to
write an email about anything. (03. Day 27)
Went into town with daughter to buy birthday presents. Nearly a disaster
when I discovered I'd left my father's car keys in a shop
somewhere. We'd visited so many. But recovered them fine from the
flower shop. Somehow knew it would be OK. (01. Day 7)
Guest at hotel had been waiting all week for an opportunity to talk to
me about my work and we finally arranged it for this evening. But he got
distracted putting his children to bed and never reappeared. (01. Day
11)
My memory is appalling. Nothing is staying in. Not only that, but being
reminded of something sometimes fails to bring it back and I could swear
blind I'd never had the experience. Then after a while a vague hint of
it returns and eventually I get a cloudy recollection. It's like I can't
put the pieces together properly. Never had that before. Quite disturbing.
It feels like I'm losing bits of my life. But keep thinking of Castaneda
and don Juan saying a man of knowledge should have no history. (01. Day
19)
Continually putting food on to cook and promptly forgetting all about
it until I smell it burning. I think I've burnt more pans during this
proving than in the rest of my life put together. I seem to have lost
the ability to multi-task. The children think I'm going senile. (01)
In waking realms wonder whether what I'm gradually moving into is like
an Anhalonium state – where all personal history and relationship
to the hologram loses its familiarity and dissolves into a motley collection
of unrecognisable disconnected molecules. (01. Day 23)
Life is pretty uneventful at the moment. There seems to be a real exaggerated
ebb and flow to this essence, or perhaps it's more like surfing the waves
and then sliding back down into the troughs. When I'm surfing I can see
the interconnectedness of the entire universe. When I'm in the troughs
it's like I've dropped all the pieces of my life and can't get them together
again. (01. Day 36)
There seem to be a lot of cyclical patterns in the symptoms of this essence.
They come in waves that repeat over time. But all the cycles seem independent
of each other like they're all operating at different wavelengths. They
all have their own rythyms which are both regular and irregular at the
same time. Like the waking up at exactly 21 minutes past the hour each
night. But it was a 23-hour cycle, not a 24-hour one, which came for a
few days then went and came back almost a month later. Can't make sense
of the whole – all at 6s and 7s just trying to keep track of each
individual cycle. Wonder what it would all sound like musically. (01.
Day xx)
OBSTRUCTION / DELAY
Rain. On setting off for [destination], discover rainwater had got into
security control unit (via the aerial) for father's car meaning electronic locking
wouldn't work and the ignition inhibitor wouldn't release. Took it apart and
dried it but no joy so called AA. They arrived very quickly and just dried it
some more and it was fine. Seemed like a strong message: persevere, you're on
the right track. (01. Day 6)
Went to the university library. Not one of the books I selected from
the catalogue was where it should be on the shelves. On top of that,
left my purse somewhere while searching. Again a strong sense that it would
turn out OK. Went down to reception to discover someone had handed it
in. Everything was as it should be, even the cash. On the way home hit every
single red light it was possible to hit. Wondering am I meant to be doing this
research after all, or whether it's just that the university library is a dead
end? (01. Day 30)
Turn up for committee meeting and find I'm half an hour late. Realise
we'd discussed the earlier time at the last meeting but I never changed
it in my diary. Very unusual. (01. Day xx)
Turn up for another (different) committee meeting and find I'm half an
hour late again. I'm sure I didn't know about this one being earlier than
normal. (01. Day xx)
Something definitely going on with the traffic. I seem to be blocked,
slowed down, people cutting in all the time. (05. Day 3)
The big theme with travel and this proving seems to be obstruction and
delay. It's been far more common to find my way continually frustrated
by slow-moving lorries, tractors, red lights, etc. Far more so than usual.
Yet on other occasions, the journey can be extraordinarily smooth and
easy. It's almost like I'm being shown the way to go and not to go. (01)
EUPHORIA
The energy is just building and building. A state of grace. Shot through
over and over ... Keats’ ‘everything that reminds me of
her goes through me like a spear’. The synchronicities are just
so blatant. Research Bhrighde's myths and find so many connections
it almost defies belief. One Irish myth says everything she touches increases
in quantity and quality. Remember the petrol coming back from Govan –
how that whole tankful took me about 60 miles more than normal. (01. Day
26)
Periods now of total bliss, luxuriating in my life for what it is. I
don't think I have ever felt so truly happy and content. (01. Day xx)
MISCELLANEOUS
When I first took this essence it hit me so hard at almost a cellular
level. (03. Day 2)
Feeling very grounded and wanting to help around the house (after first
dose). (04. Day 1)
First dose [...] What a substance for stilling the mind! I could just
sit here and meditate! Listening to choral music (Britten) is delightful.
Really savouring every note, every voice, but most especially the high
voices. The purer the better. They are like a caress in my brain. (01.
Day 1) See note
Realise I have given up wearing my watch. Not really a conscious decision – at
some stage I just stopped putting it on in the morning. Didn't want it on my
wrist any more. It didn't feel right. Also started wearing earrings again. Not
every day, but much more than I have for a good while now. Even toying with the
idea of getting my ears pierced in a few more places. (01, Day 25)
I am continuing with the essence and it's rough, but in a very
good getting down to basics way [...] The different thing about this essence's
effect is it tears into and down my carefully compartmentalized emotional
boxes that I constructed to shelter myself from the actual pain of my
life and situation. (03. Day 27)
From someone prescribed the essence while the proving was still
going on:
It has an aversion to Milk Thistle, my intuition told me to stop taking
it on Saturday morning, before the essence actually arrived, when I did
bring it to my room later that night I had to move the milk thistle away
– it was fine with my other homeopathic, herbal and vitamins. Also
a strong aversion to metal, it doesn't want me to even touch anything
metal, like steel or aluminium (my gold ring and silver earrings are okay).
Proving index
DREAMS
A dream of Roineabhal. Managed to catch one thing. Which is that there
are 66 synonyms for the word venom. (01. Day -15)
No dreams since being on essence. (02. Day 17)
Had a disturbed sleep, but really can't recall any dreams. Felt
I was very busy looking for things though. (05. Day 2)
Dreams: Many. Similar themes. Fleeting. Can't catch them. Sense
of disquiet about them. (01. Day 1)
Can't catch dreams again, but they seem to be becoming ever more
unpleasant. Full of conflict. Left with a feeling of discomfort and sense
of things not being right. (01. Day 8)
Very dark, I seemed to be on a mission that was very dark, dangerous.
I had to find something, but wasn't clear about what it was. At
night, lots of dark cobbled winding streets. I was in a car, aware of
being chased, people looking for me, or the thing/mission I was on and
had to find it first. Then I was in a house with lots of people, food,
rooms etc. Not a good atmosphere. Again a sense of threat and foreboding.
(05. Day 4)
I am involved in trying to spring
some charismatic folk hero by the name of Joe Village from a jail somewhere.
Except my role keeps changing. First I'm trying to get him out single-handed
through the corridors in the jail but it looks pretty hopeless as there
are guards everywhere. Then another prisoner creates a diversion by shouting
that he's seen him scaling the walls and all the guards rush off outside.
That opens up a whole new world of possibilities – I realise I don't
have to stick to the corridors or do it all alone. Then it becomes a movie
set and I'm watching the actors rather than being part of it. Joe Village
has a girlfriend but she's inadvertently frustrating his escape because
she just wants to be with him and isn't aware of what's going on. She's
wearing a kind of suit/uniform, so she might even be one of the guards.
Then I'm in the girlfriend's body which is very strange because it isn't
my body so I'm just laughing at the strangeness of the experience and
pointing out all the funny things about her body that are different to
mine but in all that I lose sight of the escape attempt. (01. Day -12)
In my dream I was at your house (you had 2 daughters, about 9 and 12
yo) and we talked about all sorts of things. I had been impressed by the
video on your website. We washed up some dishes. Then you led me to a
drawer to watch a certain movie (I had to kneel down to be able to watch
it). You said it would take about 10 minutes, initiation included. I watched
the movie (don't know what it was all about). After the movie was over
I had 2 sorts of initiation wounds: 2 long parallel cuts above my left
biceps (blue colour, like tattoo colour rubbed in), closed by 2 stitches.
1 mark above my throat, like a blue small tattoo, looked like a foot-print.
I knew an Indian medicine man had been there doing it (a Pawnee?? Iroquois??
In any case one of those with the hair standing up in the middle of the
head and the sides shaved). The wounds didn't hurt. (02. Day -6)
On a luxury holiday in the Caribbean with someone famous and their entourage.
Not sure how I got to be with them and I feel I don't belong, but
they seem be treating me like I'm one of them. I'm really
enjoying the lifestyle and what comes with it like being given all sorts
of things because I'm with them. They are to go to a recording studio
the next weekend and I am going to be singing too. (01. Day 3)
Speaking to people who pretend not to hear because it's not what
they want or expect to hear so they can't deal with it. We don't
fit the boxes. (01. Day 4)
Going on a bus through UK community
of people from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Highly tense, threatening atmosphere.
Man shoots right at me from outside the bus and the bullet glances off
the glass right beside the left side of my head which was leaning on the
window. Then the man gets on the bus. Everyone gets off to meet community
members. It turns into a welcome, but they think I'm someone else. Someone
they were waiting to meet. The bus is commandeered by troops and we're
stranded. It doesn't feel safe to remain there, and we're wondering how
to get out. One of the women in the party comes by in a pink 1950s Cadillac
and we get in with her. Mood changes to a wild party which seems totally
incongruous with the circumstances. (01. Day 12)
Asked by local minister to write and deliver a sermon in church. Don't
really want to do this – I'm not a church-goer – but do it
because I feel I ought to. Turn up to find the church in complete darkness
though evidently still full of people. Try to find my way by crawling
along the floor. Bump into someone's feet. Suddenly overcome by crushing
tiredness so curl up there and go to sleep in a blanket. (01. Day 12)
I'm late for a plant seminar. I turn up at 2pm when it should have
been 9am. Everyone is drawing plants. Very upset at missing so much –
crying with frustration as I try to find out what we're supposed
to be doing. Going round the building trying to find plants to draw and
why and what it should be while aware it's all apparently my mistake
in not reading the leaflet properly, etc. Eventually settle on a vetch
to draw. (01. Day 12)
Series of brief cameos, as has been the tendency of late. Travelling in
Egypt in bus driving at typical breakneck speed over badly pot-holed roads.
The bus swerves to such an extent it is as if the whole vehicle is twisting
and flexing. Then walking in Middle Eastern city streets, seeing English
tourists behaving like louts. Deeply ashamed. Apologise to local people.
Something about a man with big dogs. On a diving expedition, swimming
in seawater canals between houses and gardens. There is a sinister oppressive
military presence. Notice my skin is painted in camouflage colouration.
Eavesdrop on a British military commander who is an albino with a chillingly
cold demeanour telling Bosnian troops that they are our last resort to
join Britain as allies against North Korea. (01. Day 18) [The following
day, former British Foreign Secretary Robin Cook died on top of a mountain
in the northwest Highlands of Scotland. The day after that, Peter Jennings,
American network news anchorman, also died. Both men were instrumental
in exposing the horrors of the Bosnian genocide.]
Of coming back to house I grew up in with my kids as if we've just
been away on holiday. I am going around the rooms putting stuff away back
where it belongs. (Snatch) Of a woman in a sort of leotard/circus-type
costume being made to stand on her head without her arms supporting her
on a stone step by man who is controlling her. (01. Day 26)
Staying in New York with youngest daughter. It's time to leave to
catch our plane soon and we haven't seen any of the sights. Take
her to the Empire State Building but when we get there she's not
interested in going to the top. Return to our hotel. There is a hold-up
in progress at the hotel. Two staff members are bound and lying on the
floor but it's quickly apparent they're with the robbers and
it's an inside job. I still have to do everyone's packing.
Go to the floor daughter was sleeping on in a dormitory for children.
Her stuff is everywhere and I leave it to go and see if the man I came
with is ready. Walk into the room and catch a glimpse of a woman in the
bathroom. He has been with a prostitute. He's pretending nothing's
untoward, but she comes out of the bathroom. We chat pleasantly, ignoring
the man as an irrelevance, hug and arrange to meet again. By this time
we've missed the plane. Not bothered – we can always catch
a later one. (01. Day 27)
Trying to park the car on a hill road next to a wall with a big drop
below. Ever so slightly bump into another car behind it. This car sets
off down the hill and careens into a 3rd car which is already a wreck.
The wrecked car flips over the wall and drops down into a field. It's
now even more wrecked. I look over and see that there is a body of a woman
in it. But she was dead already. A quandary – if I report this,
nobody will believe me. They'll think I've killed the woman. (01. Day
28)
Contrasts. Rich and poor, skin diseases vs. stomach complaints, parents
and children, genteel and uncouth. Some friends, interchangeable at some
point with my parents, and daughter’s friends who included a scruffy
anarchic character with no manners and continual demands who’s name
was ‘Youngblood’. Ex-boyfriend arrives to stay at friends
with a girlfriend, but wants to be back with me. He becomes interchangeable
at some point with ex-partner. The asteroids in astrology – there
are 5 important ones, one called something like Skglaar? (01. Day 38)
Of being somewhere with my brother and
sister-in-law. They are both very hostile but aren't saying why. I ask
them directly. My brother says that I didn't give him a fair rate of interest
on the money I borrowed from him. My sister-in-law says I made their new
puppy urinate on all the beds upstairs. Protest to brother that there's
no way I wouldn't have given him a fair rate of interest while trying
hard to remember when it was I borrowed money off him. Then realise I
never did and this is all his projection. Same with sister-in-law. Even
supposing it were possible to make a dog urinate on beds, I have never
met their puppy. Patiently explain all this. Much to my surprise, they
see that they made a mistake. Everyone is friends again. [This dream felt
like a resolution of the bad feeling I'd had since the strange phone
call with my brother.] (01. Day xx)
Proving index
VERTIGO
First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness. Confusion in brain.
Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of sagittal suture. Eyes
not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating to open MSWord to
make these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment is taking
place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high.
Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards
through body, rapidly. (01. Day 1) See note
[On taking essence] Made me feel dizzy. (02. Day 2)
9am: woozy sensation in head. (02. Day 7)
Occasionally bump into things or overbalance – coordination not
so great. Not quite vertigo but almost. This has been throughout the proving.
(01)
Proving index
HEAD
Occasional fleeting headaches one side or other of sagittal suture under
parietal bone. (01. Day -7)
Persistent headaches 48 hours after drinking coffee if no more was taken
in the meantime. Happened 3-4 times before I realised the connection.
Then gave up coffee. (01)
Brain feels as if squeezed inside head. (05. Day 6)
Headache soon after taking each dose of essence. (04. Day 3-5)
First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness. Confusion in brain.
Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of sagittal suture. Eyes
not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating to open MSWord to
make these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment is taking
place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from on high.
Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards
through body, rapidly [...] Almost headache at the top of my head which,
when I concentrate on it, seems to circle round the inner ear on each
side. (01. Day 1) See note
Lean back in chair but can't get back of head comfortable. On sitting
up, sensation in back of head where it touched the chair continues as
a warm pleasant tingling long afterward. Skin across chest and arms now
warm and tingling too. (01. Day 1)
The texture of my hair has changed in past two weeks. Dunno if it is
because I have been rubbing essential oils into it or what. But it is
a very nice change. It is smoother and softer feeling. (03. Day 16)
Hair has been greasier than normal for a while. Having to wash it more
often. But pleased with the way it's looking just now. Seems to do what
I want it to (unusual). (01. Day 38)
Scalp very itchy, particularly behind ears and at occiput. Got progressively
worse over 4 days. The children had a dose of head-lice so thought it
was that at first, but found none. Then discovered three or so eruptions
like flea bites above my right ear. After that the more generalised itching
diminished and the 'bites' disappeared after 24 hours. (01. Day xx)
Proving index
EYE
The shakiness of the room experienced earlier on seems to have moved
from the room to my eyes. A feeling of slight tremor in the eyeballs –
horizontal movement side to side – more pronounced and frequent
in the left eye, though occasionally both. Worse for working a long time
at the computer and when I'm tired. Stops when concentrating hard on a
single focal point, so consequently have not been able to catch it in
the mirror to see if the movement in the eyeball is visible. (01. Day
35) [Still continuing 6 weeks later.]
When very tired, eyes produce a slight cloudy mucousy thick discharge.
They also feel gritty and are hard to keep open as a result. (01. Day
xx)
Occasional itching of margins of eyelids, both upper and lower. Seems
to occur at any time. The itching is quite 'sharp'. Have to scratch it
right away. (01. Day xx)
Proving index
VISION
Interesting observation: till now always during the first seconds after
taking the essence, there is a sensation as if the acuity of vision is
much ameliorated (I'm short-sighted. -8.5 diopt.); especially the letters
on the keyboards are sharper, more focused. (02. Day 4)
Noticing visual disturbances (since start of proving) – looking
through windows gives the impression that the view outside is moving,
mostly towards me. At other times the room appears to shake slightly.
Almost as if the hologram were revealing its illusory nature. (01. Day
23)
Proving index
NOSE
Discharge from posterior nares much more profuse and thicker than during
the last weeks. (02. Day 4)
Having to blow nose slightly more often than normal. Occasionally sneezy,
almost like I was allergic to something, but can't pinpoint what. After
getting out of the shower, nose runs so much it drips, but stops as soon
as I'm out of the bathroom. (01)
Proving index
SMELL
After learning about this proving I went out and bought linen water for
the first time, in lavender and in “linen” scent which just
has a fresh clothes scent. I washed five loads of clothes adding the linen
water to each load and sprinkled more on when ironing. I ironed everything
so I could get more of the lavender scent into all of my washables, including
exercise togs. I also visited the Lavender Harvest Festival this week.
I feel it is part and parcel of beginning the essence proving process.
(03. Day -7)
When I opened the essence I kept smelling it, something I've never done
with an essence before. I LOVE the fragrance [...] I smell something other
than blackberries. I just feel it is "deep" and "mysterious"
and "dark" in a good way. (03. Day 1)
I am VERY missing Vermont today. Just an ache like I have not had for
years. I want to smell my homeland. I want to see the Vermont green trees
and vistas. I miss farmland and the lifestyle something fierce today.
(03. Day 25)
Seem to be more generally sensitive to smells – more aware of them. (01.
Day 14)
Proving index
FACE
Developed red spot under left eye. Very itchy. (05. Day 7)
Pimple on chin developed, right protuberance; painful to touch, but have
to scratch it open. (02. Day 2)
Proving index
TEETH
Sensitivity of teeth (which are usually quite sensitive in areas of exposed
dentine due to receding gums) has disappeared. Can brush them vigorously
without discomfort. (01. Day 13 and after)
Sensitivity of teeth seems to have returned with a vengeance, worse than
it ever was, but only on the right side. After 2 weeks, change brushing
regime to start on the left rather than the right and sensitivity disappears
again. (01. Day xx)
Proving index
THROAT
Catches in throat on waking and opening eyes. Like a momentary spasmodic
constriction. This has been a feature for a week or so. Seems to happen
in relation to the cat – as soon as I meet his eyes or become aware
of his presence on the bed. Same thing used to happen with ex-partner
towards end of relationship. Strange ... I'm not in the least uncomfortable
with the cat being around! Wonder if this is linked to the runnier nose
and occasional sneeziness. (01. Day 4)
[Interesting coincidence: We got a new kitten during the proving period.
The cat wasn't too pleased at first. For several days he kept gagging
like there was something stuck in his throat every time he saw the kitten.]
Proving index
EXTERNAL THROAT
Afternoon: right side of external throat painful to touch, (muscle: sternocleidomastoideus).
No pains on turning head, just painful when I put my fingers on it. (02.
Day 8)
My neck aches like crazy. I haven't had this situation for many months
as chiropractor relieved that blockage supposedly. As I ask myself why
the neck aches I get a picture of the mom who raised me shaking me hard
when I was a newborn. I have never had this thought before except to wonder
if she had abused me physically. (03. Day 2)
Proving index
STOMACH
Hardly drinking any water. (05. Day 4)
Essence arrived today at three thirty. Took first dosage at that time.
Felt slight nausea. Felt deep seated family-related depression. (03. Day
1)
Morning dosage was at 9:30am. Did not experience noticeable nausea with
this morning dosage, but now with 3:30pm dosage. Interesting that the
very first dosage was at same time yesterday. I did this instinctively.
(03. Day 2)
First dose [...] Slight discomfort in stomach. A sense of tightness and
slight tremor a bit like trepidation. Enormous internal stillness. Descending
now to intestines. (01. Day 1) See note
Much more prone to hiccoughs than normal. (01. Day 23)
Part of the ebb and flow of this essence seems to be a constant alternation
between a constipated/unconstipated state. The constipated state seems
roughly coincidental with the ebb phase in general energies, though sometimes
precedes or lags it slightly. Does not seem to be influenced by diet,
though accompanied by loss of appetite. It's like my entire digestive
system just shuts down. (01)
Proving index
ABDOMEN
First dose [...] Slight discomfort in stomach. A sense of tightness and
slight tremor a bit like trepidation. Enormous internal stillness. Descending
now to intestines. [...] A kind of burning constriction round intestines,
like the sensation is in the peritoneum. Also in diaphragm, extending
to back. (01. Day 1) See note
Developed very itchy red spots on right waist – looks like flea
bites. Progressed round to belly button, then down right hip. (05. Day
6)
Proving index
RECTUM
Part of the ebb and flow of this essence seems to be a constant alternation
between a constipated/unconstipated state. The constipated state seems
roughly coincidental with the ebb phase in general energies, though sometimes
precedes or lags it slightly. Does not seem to be influenced by diet,
though accompanied by loss of appetite. It's like my entire digestive
system just shuts down. General rectal stasis. Stools become impacted,
large and very difficult to move. Straining doesn't seem to help much.
Some fresh blood from anal fissures created by passing stool during constipated
phases. Drinking a lot can help a little, but generally just have to wait
for the phase to pass. When it does, stools immediately return to normal,
bleeding ceases and fissures heal. Lasts 3-4 days at a time. (01)
Proving index
STOOL
Diarrhoea/very loose stool with gurgling in abdomen after eating fresh
fish and potatoes. (02. Day 6)
[Constipated phase] Stools become impacted, large and very difficult
to move. Straining doesn't seem to help much. Drinking a lot can help
a little, but generally just have to wait for the phase to pass. When
it does, stools immediately return to normal. Lasts 3-4 days at a time.
(01)
Urine and faeces still very green. Faeces not surprising with all the
salad I'm eating, but urine colour unusual. (01. Day 25)
Proving index
KIDNEY
Kidney discomfort while drinking (any liquid). (01. Day 3)
Proving index
BLADDER
Urination very variable. Sometimes it's normal – easy and quick
– sometimes it's very slow and takes forever to empty my bladder.
No discomfort or sensation of anything, but like there's an obstruction
somewhere that's occluding the urethra. Doesn't appear to be any specific
cycle or preciptating cause, but generally lasts about 1-3 days. Sometimes
coincidental with constipation and general ebb in energies, sometimes
not. (01)
Proving index
URINE
Urine and faeces still very green. Faeces not surprising with all the
salad I'm eating, but urine colour unusual. (01. Day 25)
Proving index
FEMALE
My menses didn't appear during the last three days, which is VERY unusual.
During the last year my menstrual cycle was a little bit shorter and more
irregular (23-28 days) than during the decades before (always 27-28 days),
but never longer. Today I'm on day 29 and nothing is to be felt or seen.
(02. Day 14)
[Update one month later] Yesterday my menses started, exactly 8 weeks
after the last one. So the essence suppressed the menses, but didn't shift
the cycle, not even one day. And it seems every single drop was saved,
ie. the amount of bleeding today is overwhelming (even more than normal,
but no pains). (02. Day xx)
Menses started. 2 days late. It's been absolutely on the nail 28 days
for a good year. Flow seems slightly more watery than normal, and slightly
less than normal. Otherwise nothing of note. (01. Day 10)
Menses started. 29 day interval this time. Slightly reduced flow from
normal levels. Again slightly watery. (01. Day 39)
Menses started. 30 day interval. This is the day after the last quarter
of the Moon. Exactly the Moon phase on the day I was born. Flow characteristics
same as last 2 months. (01. Day xx)
Menses started. 25 day interval. As I'm taking less and less of the essence
it seems like my normal cycle is reasserting itself. Flow no longer watery
and more profuse than normal, as if making up for the previous months'
lack. (01. Day xx)
Proving index
SPEECH/VOICE
Continually tripping over words, making spoonerisms or just substituting
initial consonants for incorrect ones. The children are forever picking
me up on it. Sound as if I'm drunk sometimes. (01)
Visited colleagues for study group. Talked about story of the proving
without going into specific symptoms. One immediately picked up on verbal
confusion and started tripping over her words. She fell into sudden exhaustion,
while another, who'd been feeling tired, perked up. Later the trend reversed
for both. (01. Day xx)
The tripping over words has progressed. Now, as well as all the other
things, I'm putting whole words in the wrong order, as in "the freezing
wheel is steering" instead of "the steering wheel is freezing".
(01. Day xx)
Proving index
CHEST
First dose [...] Sense of weight on upper chest [...] Weight on upper
chest is slowly descending. All of my upper body is starting to feel very
heavy. Almost tipping forward onto keyboard. Weight is settling round
heart. It's like the heart has suddenly become enervated so I can feel
its mass and shape and presence. While there is this weight, there is
a sense of opening, almost as if my chest is ripped apart at the sternum.
An internal sense of sagging, as if the organs in my thorax are sagging
into my abdomen. My shoulder muscles feel tired as if from overwork. [...]
A kind of burning constriction round intestines, like the sensation is
in the peritoneum. Also in diaphragm, extending to back. [...] Momentary
stabbing pain in brachial plexus of right arm. Angina-like? [...] Diaphragm
tightly burning again. Are these sensations circling? (01. Day 1) See
note
Proving index
HEART
First dose [...] Weight is settling round heart. It's like the heart
has suddenly become enervated so I can feel its mass and shape and presence.
While there is this weight, there is a sense of opening, almost as if
my chest is ripped apart at the sternum [...] Head now clear. Pressure
gone. Weight on upper chest and especially around heart remains. [...]
Momentary stabbing pain in brachial plexus of right arm. Angina-like?
[...] Sensations with this are really weird, and very hard to catch. Fleeting.
The only constant is the weight around the heart. (01. Day 1) See
note
Proving index
BACK
Immediately [on taking essence] body went into a very strong pose –
(I was lying in bed) stretched straight out, almost rigid, upper arms
close to body, with shoulders back, and lower arms up close to upper arms.
(Felt like they were wings). My spine was very elongated and stretched,
and head bowed down. Thought – "the wings are missing".
[As if the lower arms represented the severed stumps of wings.] (05. Day
1)
[On hearing about this symptom, I immediately recalled the satyrical movie
‘Dogma’ which I'd been given to watch during the proving.
This is the story of 2 rebel angels who have been consigned to immortality
on Earth and who can only become mortal if their wings are severed.]
Decided to try the essence again. Again, my body assumed the posture
immediately, except this time I had my wings! (05. Day 8)
First dose [...] My shoulder muscles feel tired as if from overwork [...]
Burning in trapezius muscles [...] Very sensitive to touch. Running hand
down any part of me sets up echoes down my spine that go up to the top
of my head. (01. Day 1) See note
Weakness in lower lumbar region. Sensation as if back about to go into
spasm, < bending. In fleeting waves that don't last or develop into
anything. Occurs 2 days prior to going on high-level forest park adventure
course and in brief snatches during that day. (01. Day xx)
Sensation of weakness and impending spasm in lumbar region of back again.
Again in fleeting waves, < bending. Occurs during day of vote on the
future of local group (on which I'd taken a position calling for a free
vote), and 2 days after. (01. Day xx)
Skin of back is incredibly itchy. (01. Day 21)
Spots are forming on back, very itchy (though whole skin of back remains
very itchy), almost like flea bites. I thought the itchiness was a reaction
to sunburn at first, but these eruptions seem to be something else. (01.
Day 23)
Spots on back are unbelievably itchy. Must scratch until I take the top
off them. They seem to crust over afterwards. Scratching doesn't
really help, and nothing else seems to make it any better. They're
constantly itchy, but worse in the evening and night. (01. Day 25)
Proving index
EXTREMITIES
Feet and hands MUCH warmer than usual, during the entire day. (02. Day
3)
During jogging: thighs as heavy as lead, the weather being very damp.
(02. Day 3)
Immediately [on taking essence] body went into a very strong pose –
(I was lying in bed) stretched straight out, almost rigid, upper arms
close to body, with shoulders back, and lower arms up close to upper arms.
(Felt like they were wings). My spine was very elongated and stretched,
and head bowed down. Thought – "the wings are missing".
[As if the lower arms represented the severed stumps of wings.] (05. Day
1)
[On hearing about this symptom, I immediately recalled the satyrical movie
Dogma which I'd been given to watch during the proving. This
is the story of 2 rebel angels who have been consigned to immortality
on Earth and who can only become mortal if their wings are severed.]
Decided to try the essence again. Again, my body assumed the posture immediately,
except this time I had my wings! (05. Day 8)
First dose [...] Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards
through body, rapidly. Like a wave of heat, but a cold fire. Now it's
in my fingers. Put them to my cheek to see if they're hot. I can feel
cold at the interface, but I can't determine whether it's my fingers or
my face that's cool [...] Arms becoming heavy, fingers feel as if they're
swelling rapidly. Burning sensations sweeping through muscles here and
there – upper left arm, diaphragm. Still no sensations below level
of intestines. Feel top heavy. Now sensations return to top of head [...]
Fingers still feel puffy (though don't look it). Stretching them out it
feels as if the skin is being pulled too tight, especially round the tips
and nails. Not a pleasant sensation. (01. Day 1) See note
Woke up to find red spots like flea bites all down the outside of right
leg. Itchy. Lasted a day. (04. Day 3)
Small patch of psoriasis is developing on inside of left calf just above
ankle. (I've had this before, but very rarely.) (01. Day 3)
Patch of psoriasis is now an oval of about an inch (2.5cm) diameter.
It's never got this big before. Another small patch is forming on the
outside of the left calf just below the knee. (01. Day 10) [Finally resolved
after a month.]
Proving index
SLEEP
Last night I had severe difficulties to fall asleep – unusual; seemed
to take hours. (02. Day 5)
Restless sleep – brain feels as if squeezed inside head. Got woken
up and not able to drop off again. (05. Day 6)
Had a disturbed sleep, but really can't recall any dreams. (05.
Day 2)
Woke at 6.21am for no apparent reason. Couldn't get back to sleep again
afterwards. (01. Day 8)
Woke at 5.21am, again, for no obvious reason. Again, had enormous difficulty
getting back to sleep. (01. Day 9)
Didn't wake at 4.21am, thank goodness! (01. Day 10)
Woken at 3.21am by someone walking around outside. Eventually got back
to sleep around 6.30am. (01. Day 11)
Woken at 3.20am by TV in hotel room switching itself on. No idea how
it did that. Something about virtual monsters in computer games. Succession
of dreadful dreams followed [about being shot at by gunman – see
DREAMS]. (01. Day 12)
Woken early by ‘flea’ bites on back itching continually. Couldn't
see clock in the dark. Maybe about 5.30am. Hard to get back to sleep.
(01. Day 35)
Woken by cat coming in and crane fly buzzing up and down window pane.
Again didn't note time. Again found it hard getting back to sleep.
(01. Day 36)
Woken again. Earlier than last 2 nights. This time by monstrous storm.
High winds, mostly. Like the equinoctial gales already, but a month early.
Wonder whether this waking 3 nights in a row is the same pattern as last
month on holiday. Is almost exactly a lunar month. Moon phase is last
quarter. (01. Day 37)
Increasing pattern of feeling very sleepy in the afternoon. Started out
around 3pm and worked its way back to midday. Even getting up and going
to make myself a drink doesn't help. Just falling asleep at my desk. Lasts
about an hour or two, then I'm fine again. I do get this from time to
time, but it's less intense, always at the same time (around 3pm) and
always ameliorated by activity. (01. Day 27)
Pattern of intense afternoon sleepiness is back again, this time later
on, around 5pm, but again working its way back to about 2pm over the course
of several days. It's slightly less than a month since it last happened.
(01. Day xx)
There seem to be a lot of cyclical patterns in the symptoms of this essence.
They come in waves that repeat over time. But all the cycles seem independent
of each other like they're all operating at different wavelengths. They
all have their own rhythms which are both regular and irregular at the
same time. Like the waking up at exactly 21 minutes past the hour each
night. But it was a 23-hour cycle, not a 24-hour one, which came for a
few days then went and came back almost a month later. Can't make sense
of the whole – all at 6s and 7s just trying to keep track of each
individual cycle. Wonder what it would all sound like musically. (01.
Day xx)
Proving index
SKIN
Small patch of psoriasis is developing on inside of left calf just above
ankle. (I've had this before, but very rarely.) (01. Day 3)
Patch of psoriasis is now an oval of about an inch (2.5cm) diameter. It's
never got this big before. Another small patch is forming on the outside
of the left calf just below the knee. (01. Day 10) [Finally resolved after
a month.]
Developed very itchy red spots on right waist – looks like flea
bites. Progressed round to belly button, then down right hip. (05. Day
6)
Developed red spot under left eye. Very itchy. Still got the ‘flea’
bites. (05. Day 7)
Spots are forming on back, very itchy (though whole back remains very
itchy), almost like flea bites. I thought the itchiness was a reaction
to sunburn at first, but these eruptions seem to be something else. (01.
Day 21)
Woke up to find red spots like flea bites all down the outside of right
leg. Itchy. Lasted a day. (04. Day 3)
Proving index
GENERALITIES
First dose [...] Sensations with this are really weird, and very hard
to catch. Fleeting. The only constant is the weight around the heart.
(01. Day 1) See note
FOOD & DRINK
Persistent headaches 48 hours after drinking coffee if no more was taken
in the meantime. Happened 3-4 times before I realised the connection.
Then gave up coffee. Headaches did not recur. (01)
Completely gone off red wine (usual preferred drink). Effects very noticeable.
Quite different to white wine. Just one glass is enough to make me feel
very unpleasantly affected. Very attracted to white wine – almost
a craving – but can't drink too much of it. 2 glasses is definitely
the limit. Affects speech very quickly. Can hear myself slurring. (01)
Really enjoying healthy diet – eating muesli with all kinds of
fruits and yoghurt for breakfast and salad for tea. Same every day for
the last week. Feel more alert and alive. (01. Day 25)
PERIODICITY
There seem to be a lot of cyclical patterns in the symptoms of this essence.
They come in waves that repeat over time. But all the cycles seem independent
of each other like they're all operating at different wavelengths. They
all have their own rhythms which are both regular and irregular at the
same time. Like the waking up at exactly 21 minutes past the hour each
night. But it was a 23-hour cycle, not a 24-hour one, which came for a
few days then went and came back almost a month later. Can't make sense
of the whole – all at 6s and 7s just trying to keep track of each
individual cycle. Wonder what it would all sound like musically. (01.
Day xx)
TIREDNESS
Studio in disarray and I don't know how I can sleep. Just not enough energy
at end of day to complete cleaning tasks. Working on producing more energy.
(03. Day 15)
Energy is lower than it's been recently. (05. Day 2)
Knackered!! Cannot summon energy to do anything. Really feels like I did
before holiday, even as extreme as many years ago when I had “yuppie
flu” for months. (05. Day 4)
Increasing pattern of feeling very sleepy in the afternoon. Started out
around 3pm and worked its way back to midday. Even getting up and going
to make myself a drink doesn't help. Just falling asleep at my desk. Lasts
about an hour or two, then I'm fine again. I do get this from time to
time, but it's less intense, always at the same time (around 3pm) and
always ameliorated by activity. (01. Day 27)
Pattern of intense afternoon sleepiness is back again, this time later
on, around 5pm, but again working its way back to about 2pm over the course
of several days. It's slightly less than a month since it last happened.
(01. Day xx)
Visited colleagues for study group. Talked about story of the proving
without going into specific symptoms. One immediately picked up on verbal
confusion and started tripping over her words. She fell into sudden exhaustion,
while another, who'd been feeling tired, perked up. Later the trend
reversed for both. (01. Day xx)
TEMPERATURE
When I started taking the essence, for the first 2-3 days I was very warm,
in such a way that I thought: does my menopause start now. (02 Day 2-3)
First dose [...] Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head downwards
through body, rapidly. Like a wave of heat, but a cold fire. Now it's
in my fingers. Put them to my cheek to see if they're hot. I can feel
cold at the interface, but I can't determine whether it's my fingers or
my face that's cool. (01. Day 1) See note
The weather is much more autumnal and becoming colder, yet I'm still
going around in vests and T-shirts with maybe just a thin cardigan. I
seem to have become much warmer and better able to resist colder temperatures.
(01)
TOUCH
First dose [...] Very sensitive to touch. Running hand down any part
of me sets up echoes down my spine that go up to the top of my head. (01.
Day 1) See note
Proving index
NOTE
Because the range of symptoms experienced
within 20 minutes of the first dose covered so many body parts and systems,
the account has been broken up into the sensations relevant to each section,
rather that reproduce it in its entirety every time. The complete account
showing the progression of sensations is as follows:
11.50pm: First dose. Instant feeling of light headedness.
Confusion in brain. Sensation of pressure at top of head either side of
sagittal suture. Eyes not focusing properly. Having problems coordinating
to open Word to make these records. Whole head feels strange, like a readjustment
is taking place. There are moments of extreme clarity. Like a vista from
on high. Slight vertigo. Clearings like waves proceeding from top of head
downwards through body, rapidly.
Like a wave of heat, but a cold fire. Now it’s in my fingers. Put
them to my cheek to see if they’re hot. I can feel cold at the interface,
but I can’t determine whether it’s my fingers or my face that’s
cool.
Sense of weight on upper chest. Almost headache at the top of my head
which, when I concentrate on it, seems to circle round the inner ear on
each side. Weight on upper chest is slowly descending. All of my upper
body is starting to feel very heavy. Almost tipping forward onto keyboard.
Weight is settling round heart. It’s like the heart has suddenly
become enervated so I can feel its mass and shape and presence. While
there is this weight, there is a sense of opening, almost as if my chest
is ripped apart at the sternum. An internal sense of sagging, as if the
organs in my thorax are sagging into my abdomen. My shoulder muscles feel
tired as if from overwork.
Slight discomfort in stomach. A sense of tightness and slight tremor a
bit like trepidation. Enormous internal stillness. Descending now to intestines.
Head now clear. Pressure gone. Weight on upper chest and especially around
heart remains. Burning in trapezius muscles. A kind of burning constriction
round intestines, like the sensation is in the peritoneum. Also in diaphragm,
extending to back.
Arms becoming heavy, fingers feel as if they’re swelling rapidly.
Burning sensations sweeping through muscles here and there – upper
left arm, diaphragm. Still no sensations below level of intestines. Feel
top heavy. Now sensations return to top of head.
Lean back in chair but can’t get back of head comfortable. On sitting
up, sensation in back of head where it touched the chair continues as
a warm pleasant tingling long afterward. Skin across chest and arms now
warm and tingling too.
What a substance for stilling the mind! I could just sit here and meditate!
Listening to choral music (Britten) is delightful. Really savouring every
note, every voice, but most especially the high voices. The purer the
better. They are like a caress in my brain.
Sensations with this are really weird, and very hard to catch. Fleeting.
The only constant is the weight around the heart. Fingers still feel puffy.
Stretching them out it feels as if the skin is being pulled too tight,
especially round the tips and nails. Not a pleasant sensation.
Very sensitive to touch. Running hand down any part of me sets up echoes
down my spine that go up to the top of my head. Momentary stabbing pain
in brachial plexus of right arm. Angina-like?
Diaphragm tightly burning again. Are these sensations circling?
Proving index
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